Arrrggghhh!

Yep, so I think this or voice it multiple times a day! This year we decided to homeschool. I should point out, I never wanted to homeschool, in fact I told my husband I would NEVER homeschool our children. BIG MISTAKE! Well, God had other plans, I'm still trusting that they are better plans than mine, but I know He knows best.

Anyway, last March I started feeling like God wanted me to homeschool. I resisted - like 2 year old tantrum resisting. I told God I didn't want to do it, I told Him He had no idea what he was asking and I had no intention of doing what He wanted me to do. ARRRGGGHHH! :)

In the mean time our oldest was going through some tough stuff at school. She isn't always socially aware which makes for difficult moments at school. To make matters worse, her teachers didn't always understand her and she was getting incredibly frustrated. So - God was working in my heart and I started to soften - a little. ARRRGGGhhh!

In June we went to the Homeschool Conference. As we drove up their was a bunch of ladies in their denim jumpers walking into the conference. Caleb looked at me and said "You don't really fit here." To which I answered, "You think?". Now, before you chastise me over the stereotyping of the denim jumpers, you must know that I understand they are practical to some, and that is fine, but that is not me. Continuing on......... The conference was beneficial and I left feeling like I might be able to do this thing called homeschooling. I knew it would be hard, but I figured if we could get through a year with everyone still alive, that would be success. I know, I'm all about setting the bar super high! ARRRggghhh

Rather than giving you a blow by blow of the last 5 months, I'll sum it up - I'm not cut out for this. :) God has done some amazing things in it though. Our kids can get along for long periods of time without fights, even in small spaces - like a VW Jetta for 5 hours. I've learned how each of my kids feels loved the most. I love my kids in a different way than before. I've also learned a lot about myself. I know every flaw I have - and I know it WELL! I know my strengths too, though the flaws far outweigh the strengths! Arrrggghhh

I've had so many people tell me they admire me for homeschooling! I always think to myself, "If they only knew how aweful I am, they would know I'm nothing to admire." A good friend told me "You'll be the one that is changed the most by homeschooling". It's totally true. I've learned God blesses, even when I obey begrudgingly - just like my kids. I'm not protesting as loudly - and God is giving me grace. He's letting me put them back in school next year. As for now though, my goal is still to have everyone alive at the end of the year! arrrggghhh!

It's Going....

"How is it going?". This sentence is small, and can be answered in many different ways. My personal favorite, "It's going.". I use that answer a lot. Generally if people genuinely want to know "How it's going", they'll ask another question. The thing about our society is, most of the time people don't really want to know, they are just being polite. Now, my situation is a little different than most. I'm the wife of a pastor. I word that carefully because, I have no intention of being the pastor's wife - ya know, the woman that plays the piano, coordinates every children's ministry production, leads all of the women's Bible studies and does every other job that no one else wants to do or has time for. That woman, is NOT me! I am the wife of the pastor. My priorities are 1. God, 2. my husband and 3. my kids and if there is a ministry I feel like God has called me to, I will do that, but only if it won't detrimentally interfere with my top 3 priorities, the ones God gave me first.

Now, that being said, it has not always been easy for me to be completely candid about "how it's going". I was too concerned with what people might think or how I'd be perceived. Then it hit me, I'm not bullet proof. I know - shocker! Sometimes people need to know you are real, that you feel pain, discomfort, joy, disappointment, happiness, gratitude. I also discovered, if you let people know you "feel" they have that moment that makes them realize they aren't bullet proof either. It's a good place to be.

I've been on this journey for a while now, the Journey in My Bare Feet. I know the saying is "Walk in my Shoes", but I think life is harder than that. Shoes protect, and make the way more comfortable, in your bare feet you feel the stones, thorns, carpet, it's more real. So now, I'll share the journey - the real one, not the safe, protected one.
So "How's it going?"

To be continued..........