Holy Buckets!

Clearly, I'm not a daily blogger. For that matter,  I'm not a monthly or yearly blogger, but my journey has had me a bit busy!
We had moved to Valley Center, KS, when I last blogged - for those counting that was 18 months ago. If I had known then what I know now............ Well, I may have prepared myself better! Though sometimes when refinement is necessary, no amount of preparation could or would make a difference.

Rather than giving you the "blow by blow" from the last year, I'll just give you what I've learned - likely in segments. Some are still pretty raw!

First up: Be Who you ARE!

Hi, my name is Anna Hastings and I am an introverted, wife of a pastor, that takes her time getting to know people, making friends, and trusting people.

I sort of feel like I need to say that every time I meet someone now - but I don't. In the residency that Caleb did, one of the important goals for the year is to catch the resident up to the relational level that the people who are helping you build the church have with their friends. NO. SMALL. FEAT. I never gave too much thought to how much of an introvert I am until this residency! I had the worst time trying to start fast friendships. It's just not who I am. That said, I've met some amazing people I would never have met, had I not been forced to!

After being here for 7 months, I decided that I needed to find some women who would understand what it's like to be a wife of a pastor/church planter. So, I called a few of the church planter wives and a pastors wife that I knew and asked them if they'd like a standing girls night out. That 's out of character for me. I generally would prefer people ask me to do things. However, when push comes to shove and you need some friends, you do what ya gotta do! I'm thankful for some pretty amazing women that said yes to that proposition. They have proven their trustworthiness in many ways and understand! You know who you are and I'm thankful!

I've also made mistakes. I was in need of friends way before 7 months of being in Kansas. It's hard to move to a new spot, meet lots of new people and only have your husband to talk to. (I know I'm a wife of a pastor, so clearly God is there as well - don't worry he was well aware of the situation!)  I missed my friends! Unfortunately, the ones I could talk to were all in Iowa and sometimes you need more than a phone call! So, I went through the people I knew and basically picked one I felt I could talk to. NEVER. DOING. THAT. AGAIN! Just because I chose them, does not mean they chose me - even if it seems like they did. Time in a friendship helps you see whether or not a person is trustworthy, caring, selfish, kind hearted, gentle, etc. It's not wise to rush things simply because you are lonely. It's worth it to know that the friendship will last and trust is established - betrayal of trust hurts worse than loneliness.

Which leads me to the next thing I learned:

Gossip - the worst form of betrayal.

I'll leave that for next time!

The Adventure Begins......

So, I know I’ve been a little absent…. Ok a LOT absent, but truthfully I’ve been a little busy! Since the last weekend in March we’ve been traveling hither and yon. I won’t bore you with the details of that, but we are now in Kansas. YAY! We are living in a house in the middle of a wheat field. It reminds me of the house I grew up in (only we were surrounded by soy beans and corn then.) The kids like the space, and Koko, the dog, is LOVING the space to run! The kids each have their own room, which is a huge blessing! It’s nice to be able to separate them. West E Free has been amazing in our transition. They had people to help us unpack the truck/trailer, they gave us a gift card shower which was AMAZING, and they have been incredibly helpful with meals and I even have someone helping me plan a birthday party for Ty on Saturday. We have definitely felt welcomed.

Now for the hard part, making friends. Our first week here, which was last week, all I wanted to do was sleep! Considering the amount of travel we had done in a little over a month, I’m pretty sure I needed it! We made a lot of acquaintances, which is great, but I started missing my “3 AM Friends”. You know, the ones you can call in the moment of need at 3 AM and they won’t hang up on you. ☺ Those relationships don’t happen overnight, they are developed over a long period of time. I know those relationships will come. Each time we’ve moved God has provided those friends. Sometimes I just wish it were a quicker process. Interestingly enough, all of the church planter books talk about “feeling alone”. So apparently I’m normal – go figure!

 For now, I’m concentrating on the friends to be. I have a brunch on Sat. morning, Ty’s birthday party Saturday night and church on Sunday, which will all be opportunities to meet my future “3 AM Friends”. For those of you who may be those future friends – you can rest assured, I’ve never called anyone at 3 AM!

The Past...

Have you ever noticed that your past finds you? It doesn't necessarily haunt you, it just finds you. It seems to happen to me a lot lately, including today. When I was little my parents were in church choir. They had a man babysit me at church. Sometimes his wife joined him. My parents seemed to really like this man, but no matter how hard I tried, I didn't like being near him. His hands especially bothered me. I didn't mind his wife at all, but the man - every time I saw him I felt hatred. Then the man passed away. We were in Sunday School and my teacher said he had died. I told her how I disliked him and that he had babysat me and I wasn't really sure why I disliked him, I just didn't trust him. After church that day, my teacher approached my parents. She told them that the man had been a convicted sex offender and had molested several children and that after I talked to her, she was pretty sure he'd done the same to me. My parents were mortified. My mom instantly remembered the countless, unexplained rashes, my massive fits when I was near him and also explained the flashbacks I'd have. I'm thankful I don't remember much - just bits and pieces - but it's effects lasted long into my adult years. My heart aches for every little girl or boy that has ever dealt with something like this and much worse. Today I heard of another sweet girl going through this and my past found me. Without God, I'm not sure how anyone heals from the mental, emotional and sometimes physical trauma of sexual assault. I'm so thankful for a loving Creator who cares about our hurts - the ones we do and the ones done to us. It's all because of sin. Sin done to us, Sin done by us. It can be so devastating. The Why's of life can eat you alive. But this I know - EVERY hurt you feel, EVERY tear you cry, EVERY person you've hurt, EVERY sin you've committed and EVERY sin committed against you can be used for God's glory. My story is not unlike other girl's stories, but I choose to share it because I believe God can heal someone else because He has healed me. He took the feelings of being used up, worthlessness, anger, frustration and why and He gave me peace. He carries my burden. I don't have to hold on to it. I can love on someone else and listen with understanding because I really do understand what they are feeling. Your past doesn't have to haunt you, but it will find you every once in a while. Let God use the past so you can care for someone else.

Back up the Bus!!

Just over a week ago we announced that we are moving to Wichita, KS to plant a church. I'm excited, scared, elated, but mostly excited. It was really tough to tell people we are leaving, we've made some really amazing friends in the last 4 1/2 years. Not to mention, this is the longest place we've ever lived, so that's a miracle in and of itself! Anyway! I've been thinking over all that has brought Caleb and I to this point. So, we are gonna back the bus up a little and start from the very beginning - cause it's very good place to start! (Sound of Music anyone?)

Caleb and I met our freshman year in college. I had known since I was 16, that God wanted me to be the wife of a pastor. I decided since God had just made the pool of men in which to pick from much smaller, that I should go to a school where there was a higher probability I'd meet a guy wanting to be a pastor. So, to Faith Baptist Bible College I went! I dated a couple of Caleb's friends before he and I started dating in Nov. 1996. I never mentioned to a single one that they'd have to be a pastor to marry me. I didn't even mention it to Caleb. Caleb, when we started dating, was going to be an engineer, NOT a pastor. In fact, he was taking math classes at Iowa State so he wouldn't be behind when he transferred to ISU the next year. God had other plans however. Second semester, Caleb couldn't take a single math class, which is when God got ahold of him. One night after we had gone out on a date, he looked at me and asked if I'd be ok being the wife of a pastor. I smiled and told him I had known for a long time that I was supposed to be one! I think I shocked him a little. (I generally try to keep him on his toes!) From that time on, church planting was something he talked about a lot, but didn't feel like it was time.

Fast forward a couple of years. He's in his 2nd year of seminary in Germantown, TN. I'm pregnant with our first child. We discussed if now was the time to start that church. Thankfully we both decided it was not! We moved to upstate NY instead, having finished 2 years of seminary, but he hadn't graduated yet. He became the youth pastor for a great church - Grace Chapel! We learned a lot from that first church! When we moved to NY, I was 8 months pregnant and had no idea what it meant to be a wife, mother and be married to a pastor. Good news, we made it out alive! We didn't realize when we moved there that the sun only shows itself about 54 days a year. That coupled with just having a baby, not really knowing anyone and winter hitting pretty fast that year made for a hard crash for me. I ended up with post partum depression, but didn't really realize it until after we had had our second baby and I became suicidal. I kept thinking if I was truly doing everything God wanted me to and if I prayed more that everything would just get better. It didn't. Thanks to some GOD GIVEN ladies at Grace Chapel, who had travelled a very similar path as me, I realized God allowed people to create some really great medicine that helps you get out of your valley, and it doesn't have to be forever, just for a season. So I know you are thinking, how does this have anything to do with church planting? Well, it helps me understand. People have to come to Jesus just where they are and I am not exempt. I have to depend on God just like everyone else. I'm not special, He made me to need Him AND He gave me people, doctors, and most of all the Holy Spirit to help me through every single day!

Three years later...... We felt like God wanted us to do more with college students. Was now the time to plant a church? Nope! We went back to Tennessee and Caleb finished his Seminary degree. This time we learned a lot about what it's like to be a full time worker AND a church volunteer. There is a lot of time wrapped into both of those, then if you add in your family and making sure you have quality time with them, plus family activities, ball games, etc. It made us appreciate all that church volunteers sacrifice. The last thing we would want is for our church people to burn out because they've done it all and are exhausted and never see their family, etc.

It took 18 months for us to get through seminary, Caleb applied for several church positions, but nothing was panning out. We considered church planting again, but it still didn't feel like the right time. Then God provided a job at Harmony Bible Church and we came to Danville, IA to work with college students/young adults. Our motto "Feed them and they will come." True story! Caleb went to the campus met students, found people of peace, started relationships, started small groups. After 2 1/2 years we started thinking, Hmmm wonder if we should plant a church? We went for an assessment in Seattle, WA with Acts 29. We failed, but persevered. We kept praying that God would open the door for church planting. We went for another assessment in Austin, TX. We PASSED! BUT we didn't make the cut for the residency program that they had, so we kept praying, asking God "Where, When". Then we got an email from Wichita, KS. Would we be willing to be assessed (they were working with the people from Austin) and consider a possible residency in Wichita. Yep, we would and the rest is history. We will move to Wichita the end of April/Beginning of May - depending on if/when our house sells.

The journey started 15 years ago and I wouldn't give up a single experience, moment, trial or lesson for anything. God has used and continues to use all of it for His Glory and my joy.

Arrrggghhh!

Yep, so I think this or voice it multiple times a day! This year we decided to homeschool. I should point out, I never wanted to homeschool, in fact I told my husband I would NEVER homeschool our children. BIG MISTAKE! Well, God had other plans, I'm still trusting that they are better plans than mine, but I know He knows best.

Anyway, last March I started feeling like God wanted me to homeschool. I resisted - like 2 year old tantrum resisting. I told God I didn't want to do it, I told Him He had no idea what he was asking and I had no intention of doing what He wanted me to do. ARRRGGGHHH! :)

In the mean time our oldest was going through some tough stuff at school. She isn't always socially aware which makes for difficult moments at school. To make matters worse, her teachers didn't always understand her and she was getting incredibly frustrated. So - God was working in my heart and I started to soften - a little. ARRRGGGhhh!

In June we went to the Homeschool Conference. As we drove up their was a bunch of ladies in their denim jumpers walking into the conference. Caleb looked at me and said "You don't really fit here." To which I answered, "You think?". Now, before you chastise me over the stereotyping of the denim jumpers, you must know that I understand they are practical to some, and that is fine, but that is not me. Continuing on......... The conference was beneficial and I left feeling like I might be able to do this thing called homeschooling. I knew it would be hard, but I figured if we could get through a year with everyone still alive, that would be success. I know, I'm all about setting the bar super high! ARRRggghhh

Rather than giving you a blow by blow of the last 5 months, I'll sum it up - I'm not cut out for this. :) God has done some amazing things in it though. Our kids can get along for long periods of time without fights, even in small spaces - like a VW Jetta for 5 hours. I've learned how each of my kids feels loved the most. I love my kids in a different way than before. I've also learned a lot about myself. I know every flaw I have - and I know it WELL! I know my strengths too, though the flaws far outweigh the strengths! Arrrggghhh

I've had so many people tell me they admire me for homeschooling! I always think to myself, "If they only knew how aweful I am, they would know I'm nothing to admire." A good friend told me "You'll be the one that is changed the most by homeschooling". It's totally true. I've learned God blesses, even when I obey begrudgingly - just like my kids. I'm not protesting as loudly - and God is giving me grace. He's letting me put them back in school next year. As for now though, my goal is still to have everyone alive at the end of the year! arrrggghhh!

It's Going....

"How is it going?". This sentence is small, and can be answered in many different ways. My personal favorite, "It's going.". I use that answer a lot. Generally if people genuinely want to know "How it's going", they'll ask another question. The thing about our society is, most of the time people don't really want to know, they are just being polite. Now, my situation is a little different than most. I'm the wife of a pastor. I word that carefully because, I have no intention of being the pastor's wife - ya know, the woman that plays the piano, coordinates every children's ministry production, leads all of the women's Bible studies and does every other job that no one else wants to do or has time for. That woman, is NOT me! I am the wife of the pastor. My priorities are 1. God, 2. my husband and 3. my kids and if there is a ministry I feel like God has called me to, I will do that, but only if it won't detrimentally interfere with my top 3 priorities, the ones God gave me first.

Now, that being said, it has not always been easy for me to be completely candid about "how it's going". I was too concerned with what people might think or how I'd be perceived. Then it hit me, I'm not bullet proof. I know - shocker! Sometimes people need to know you are real, that you feel pain, discomfort, joy, disappointment, happiness, gratitude. I also discovered, if you let people know you "feel" they have that moment that makes them realize they aren't bullet proof either. It's a good place to be.

I've been on this journey for a while now, the Journey in My Bare Feet. I know the saying is "Walk in my Shoes", but I think life is harder than that. Shoes protect, and make the way more comfortable, in your bare feet you feel the stones, thorns, carpet, it's more real. So now, I'll share the journey - the real one, not the safe, protected one.
So "How's it going?"

To be continued..........